Mind's Algorithm
Nov. 3rd, 2014 08:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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aurics, Prompt #75
Title: Mind’s Algorithm
Rating: pg13
Word Count: 8600~ words
Summary: Sometimes you can change for the person who you fall in love with. But sometimes, no-one can change you better than yourself.
Warning/s: mentions of real-life suicide in history, mental illness
Originally posted at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
selubration for Round 2~
Oh Sehun, first year at King’s College, already feels like he’s drowning amongst the crowd, unimportant in the new world of adulthood. It’s only been a week at King’s, yet he feels drained of all energy. Not because the classes were hard; they were far from it. Sehun, the maths genius who solved calculations faster than anyone else on a calculator, was suffering from something quite different. His exhaustion stemmed from being surrounded by people: his fellow classmates, who partied all night and were barely awake during lectures. Sehun could never understand, did not want to understand what exactly such people were doing in university; it certainly wasn’t to get a degree.
But as much as Sehun complained about those kinds of people, he couldn’t deny his curiosity at their lifestyle. He was used to the absoluteness of numbers and figures, and they flowed endlessly through his head, even when he was doing nothing at all. Numbers, numbers, and even more numbers, that was his everything. Words were not his forte, and neither were emotions. And Sehun wanted to change that, he wanted to try being like everyone else for once, but that’s not so easy, changing everything that you’ve known for the last twenty years of your life.
Sehun stayed at the dormitories provided by the university, as it was compulsory for all first years. He was one of the lucky few who've got a room to themselves. So it was with an undignified flop onto the bed, accompanied by a loud grunt, that he returned after maneuvering through the crowded general area, where people were planning for the next big party this weekend. In fact, he had been invited by Chanyeol earlier, one of the few people who were actually considered his close friend. Chanyeol was the complete opposite of Sehun, loved to party but still managed to keep his grades up. Sehun would never say it out loud, but Chanyeol was the person that he himself wanted to be.
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, and Sehun gets up, expecting it to be either Chanyeol or Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was his other close friend, or more like the person who always checked that Sehun didn’t forget to eat because he was too busy thinking about the Nash-Moser theorem and how it related to the Banach fixed theorem--
Again, the knocking disrupts his thoughts, and Sehun gets up with a start, the numbers still running amok in his head as he opens the door.
“Hi!” Sehun blinks in confusion. That doesn’t sound like either Chanyeol or Kyungsoo, he thinks, finally focusing in front of him, trying to ignore the need to concentrate on the numbers in his mind.
“Hello?” Sehun can’t help the confusion that leaks into his voice, it’s not like he’s purposely trying to be rude or anything.
“Are you Sehun?” the person in front of him asks.
“Yes, and who are you?” The more important question here.
“I’m Lu Han, and I’m your roommate!” By this point, Lu Han was looking at him expectantly, eyes bright, so Sehun let him in. It would be rude of me to let him stay outside… right? It was strangely quiet outside despite the time, it wasn’t even dark yet, but Sehun didn’t pay it too much attention.
“I wasn’t told about this…” he mutters, turning to face Lu Han, who was now sitting on the bed, swinging his legs. He was like a child, although Sehun knew better than to think that he was. He was definitely confused by the youth that radiated from the person in front of him, but there was something in the confidence that he exuded, that made Sehun think that Lu Han had many years under his belt. The tousled chestnut hair, probably styled to look effortless, and the simple tee and jeans combination distracted Sehun, and all of a sudden, there it was again. From the shirt to jeans ratio, it seems that Lu Han has a body ratio that’s slightly skewed towards--
“Yeah, it was a last minute change, they probably lost the message amongst all the freshies’ complaints,” laughs Lu Han, getting up again to walk up to Sehun. “I’m sorry if this seems so sudden, but I promise I won’t be a bother!” Sehun doesn’t know how to react, he hasn’t really grown up around a lot of people and interacted with few people other than his parents and two friends. A part of him thinks that he should be finding this situation highly irritating; but if he’s being true to himself, he’s more than a little curious as to what life would be like with someone who looked to be the complete opposite of himself.
“Okay…” he mumbles, and he blushes when Luhan smiles, so bright, in front of him. “Where are your things?” he asks, noting that Lu Han came in empty-handed, “There’s only one bed too…”
“That’s alright,” Lu Han waves him off, moving to sit by the desk this time. “I take night classes, so I’ll probably be out whenever you’re in and vice versa. If you don’t mind, we can just share the bed?” Sehun’s eyes widen - the jump from being socially awkward to sharing a bed with someone, even in the way that Luhan was suggesting, was huge - and he ends up choking on air, coughing loudly.
“You don’t want to request for a bed? I mean--”
“Oh… you’re probably uncomfortable, am I right?” Lu Han’s expression falters, his smile dimming.
“Uhm definitely not!” Sehun hastily replies. He’s not sure why, but Lu Han’s upset face had his stomach coiling, and he didn’t like that feeling. “It’s better this way, there’s barely any space for an extra bed anyway,” he reasons, sighing in relief when the smile is back on Lu Han’s face.
“That’s true, and don’t worry, I don’t go around asking to sleep in the beds of every person I meet.” Sehun almost gasps at Lu Han’s words, but then he realizes that the boy is joking, so he relaxes and manages a small chuckle. He goes to sit on the bed, and faces Lu Han.
“You said you take night classes? What are you majoring in?” Might as well start getting to know my new roommate, thinks Sehun as he waits for Lu Han’s response.
“I’m a Literature major in my final year.” Sehun nods. It’s obvious from the way that Lu Han speaks with such confidence that the boy had a way with words.
“Maths, Freshman,” responds Sehun, and that was the end of the conversation. Although Lu Han continues to smile at him, until it has Sehun squirming on the bed, laying down to face the wall.
“Well, I’ll take that as my cue to leave; we can get to know each other more another day, when I don’t have an Anglo-Saxon literature class to attend,” chuckles Luhan, and Sehun can hear the creaking of the chair in the silent evening air. Still too loud, with the numbers of this equation that I can’t seem to make sense of. “Don’t wait up, and don’t worry about tidying the bed before I get back, I usually crash right after.” The clicking of the door reaches Sehun’s ears, and he can hear the soft padding of shoes against the hard wooden floor as Lu Han walks to his class.
ℒ
During the next few weeks, Sehun barely has a glimpse of his senior, besides their first meeting and occasional peeks of that familiar chestnut-coloured hair that easily blended amongst the crowd. It was only because of Lu Han’s unique facial features, with those eyes that sparkled even from a distance, that captured his attention. Sehun has always believed that the eyes were the windows of the soul, and everyone used to joke that they could see the numbers running across his, much like the code that runs on a computer screen. And in a way, he agreed. There were calculations involved, like the number of times a person’s eyes flickered to someone else, or flickered away. Anything and everything was just mathematics, and that was how Sehun lived life.
“Freshie, are you zoning out while doing homework?” Sehun starts at the sudden voice interrupting his thoughts, and he’s even more shocked when he opens his eyes to the very pair of irises that he had been thinking about.
“Lu Han.”
“Yes, that’s me,” smiles Lu Han. “Sorry I haven’t been in the room much, the first few weeks back have been hectic because obviously no-one in the class did any of our summer reading, so all of the professors have been whipping us back to the reality of final year.”
“Wow, and I’m already exhausted by the first few weeks of first year…” sighed Sehun, closing his eyes again. And it was true. For some reason, Chanyeol had been pushing him to go to one of the parties (he doesn’t bother remembering which, since Chanyeol basically asked him every other day) and it was tiring him to even think of socializing.
“How about I treat you for some bubble tea?” Sehun’s ears prick up at the mention of his favourite drink, cracking open one eye. “Oh? Does our little freshie like the sound of that?” teases Lu Han, ruffling Sehun’s hair, just a shade darker than the senior’s.
“Sure.” Usually, that’s where Sehun stops speaking, having made his wishes clear. But Lu Han smiling at him encouraged him to go on, to try and keep having a conversation. “I may be a mathematical genius who would love the challenge of calculating how much of my monthly allowance I can afford to spend on bubble tea, but free drinks are even better.” Sehun can feel the heat rising to his face as he waits for Lu Han’s reaction, who seems to be contemplating something deep.
“Freshie made a funny!” Lu Han burst out laughing, clapping Sehun on the back in congratulations. “Well, it still has a long way to go, but at least you’re trying!”
“Whatever, let’s just go buy me lots and lots of bubble tea so that I can drown in an endless sea of sugar and balls.”
“Oh wow, you swing that way? Cool.” Sehun groans, but he can’t help the smile that makes its way onto his face.
When they reach the cafe (the one on campus since Lu Han had a class in an hour), it’s packed since it’s after most of the day classes are over and done with, and most students take the time to go over the day’s work. Sehun spots an empty table by the corner of the store, which he points out to Lu Han.
“Why don’t you go and take a seat, I’ll order for the both of us.”
“But I was supposed to treat you--”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I was kidding about it, I’m on scholarship anyway so I’ve got to use my pocket money for something, right? You’ll just have to deal with me fattening you with caffeinated drinks for the sake of a balanced bank account.”
“Alright then,” Lu Han grins, going over to the table and sitting closest to the wall. Sehun orders quickly, getting two chocolate bubble teas (since he didn’t know what Lu Han liked) and went over to sit in front of the senior, with his back to the door of the cafe. “I think I’ve figured it out.” Lu Han reaches for one of the cups, holding it in between his palms and rolling the cup side to side.
“Figured out what?”
“To get you to be more sociable, people just need to bait you with bubble tea.” And to that, Sehun had no response. Although his brain did start calculating how much money would be spent on him if they tried, and if the hundreds, maybe thousands, a year would be worth it, to know a person like him.
“Ah! I have to go now, sorry,” Lu Han stands up, pushing the still-full cup of bubble tea towards Sehun. “My professor literally blows a fuse when anyone brings anything spillable to class, so I can’t finish this,” he explains with a frown.
“It’s okay, I’ll help you finish,” assures Sehun, waving goodbye as Lu Han exits the cafe, running towards the Arts block. He turns back to the table, hurriedly finishing off his second drink.
“Sehun!” Kyungsoo slides into the seat that Lu Han was sitting in, smiling just like Lu Han was. “What are you doing here all alone?”
“I was here with Lu Han, my roommate, but he had to leave for his Lit class.”
“Oh, the guy you mentioned when you just moved in?” Sehun nods. “It’s weird, how I’ve never seen him before, but I guess King’s is a huge place.” Kyungsoo too was a Literature Major, although he decided to study Asian Literature. ’To stay true to my roots’ he had said.
“Yeah.” There’s silence as Kyungsoo gives him a once over (as he always does when he meets Sehun) and Sehun sighs. “I’m eating, as you can see from the two cups of bubble tea--”
“But that’s not real food--”
“Lu Han makes sure to buy me something before he goes to class.” And it was true, Sehun would enter his room after class, to find a small plastic bag with different takeaways everyday, and a small note from Lu Han. It was the only communication between them before this, since their timetables were polar opposites. Lu Han would get dinner, and Sehun would get him his breakfast. And for some strange reason, Sehun would always find himself feeling fuller than he ever felt.
“Okay… I’m glad you’re making more friends, especially from the way you’re smiling more often,” admits Kyungsoo, standing up. “I have to go and study with my group now, so I’ll call you later!”
“No need, I’ll be sleeping.” Sehun gets up, pushing his chair in, ducking to avoid Kyungsoo’s short arm swinging at him. “Sleep is important.”
“Of course.”
ℒ
Sehun and Lu Han only got closer after countless bubble tea dates; although Lu Han never seemed to touch his drink, claiming to forget to drink it since he was too absorbed in the conversation (which sent Sehun’s heart soaring - he had never been told that he was interesting before). Classes went on as usual, but Sehun wasn’t finding himself as exhausted as before, handling even the group projects with ease. The numbers running through his head had dimmed slightly, only reappearing when he needed them (such as during classes). Otherwise, his thoughts often went to Lu Han, who was spending more and more time in the room.
On one particular day, Sehun had been lying down on the bed, whilst Lu Han was typing away on his (and by his, it meant Sehun’s) laptop.
“What are you doing?” asks Sehun, trying to peek over Luhan’s shoulder, but all he sees is a blank page.
“Trying to write up my final thesis… But it’s harder to start, since it’s my final one, you know?” Lu Han sighs, closing the laptop and flopping down beside Sehun. “Let me rest for a while.” He nuzzles up to Sehun’s side, the latter accepting him into his arms. It was strange, the first thought to pop into his head was how comfortable it felt to have Lu Han in his arms. It felt like his favourite bolster that he hugged to sleep for the first few years of his life (more like until the day he had to leave home for King’s).
“Oh yeah, you’ll be graduating in a few months,” mutters Sehun, his heart clenching at the thought of a new roommate (or maybe it was the one who would be leaving, that would give him more grief).
“Missing me already?” jokes Lu Han, playfully punching Sehun’s bicep.
“No...” But it was clear from the blush dusting his cheeks that Sehun couldn’t imagine not having Lu Han around; the Lu Han that started spending more and more time in the room at the same time as himself. Sehun had started to lock the doors, to give Lu Han privacy to work on his thesis (more like to stop anyone, namely Chanyeol or Kyungsoo, from catching them together and interrupting).
“How about this? As a sort-of goodbye gift to me--”
“Wait, you’re asking for your gift? What if I wasn’t going to get you one?” Sehun chuckles, shaking his head as Lu Han frowns at him.
“Of course you have to, Oh Sehun. I’m your roommate.” Lu Han settles back into Sehun’s arms, lacing their fingers together with their right hands, his left hand tracing patterns on top. “Yeah, so the gift. How about going to one of those parties that Chanyeol invites you to?” Sehun freezes. Lu Han doesn’t stop in his ministrations, smiling up at Sehun comfortingly. “I know you hate crowds and just anything to do with parties, but maybe one wouldn’t hurt?” When Sehun doesn’t reply, Lu Han reaches up to cup his face. “Please?” he whispers, leaning closer to ghost his lips over Sehun’s. To the latter, although it’s barely a breeze of a touch, he can feel his nerves catching on fire, and all he can think about is Lu Han.
“I’ll go…” he whispers just as quietly, all of the tension in his body leaving in waves as he feels Lu Han’s lips smiling against his.
“Thank you.”
Just then, there’s a knock on the door.
“Sehun!” It’s Chanyeol, who doesn’t stop knocking, or calling out for the younger. As he gets up to answer the door, Lu Han pulls him back.
“Wait, can I just leave through the window first?” Lu Han hurriedly mutters, glancing at the open window.
“What? Why?” asks Sehun, furrowing his eyebrows.
“I-- I’m kind of late for my evening class, and I don’t want to seem rude in front of your friends by leaving straight away…” Lu Han is already by the window (thank god they were on the ground floor) with one leg outside. “I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah…” Sehun’s more than a little confused by his behaviour, but lets it slide. Probably part of why I like him, it’s his charm. He starts when he realizes that he just thought of liking Lu Han, but the knocking at the door intensifies, Kyungsoo’s voice joining Chanyeol’s. I’d estimate about a ten percent increase in terms of decibel level, but Kyungsoo and his choir boy voice might make that estimation into an underestimation-- I should get that. When he finally opens the door, Chanyeol comes barging in, flopping onto the bed.
“What took you so long?” Chanyeol nags, tutting at Sehun. “It was like you were sneaking someone out of that open window.” Sehun tries not to choke on his own spit when Chanyeol motions to the window, turning to face Kyungsoo, who just walked in.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Yeol.” Kyungsoo closes the door behind him, going to sit on the bed too. Sehun has no choice but to sit on the floor, in his own room no less.
“He’s always ridiculous.” Sehun smirks at Chanyeol’s indignant squawk, ducking when the older throws a pillow. “Work on your aim, Yeol.”
“I don’t even know why I bother,” sighs Chanyeol, “I came here wanting to ask you to the next party this weekend, since Kyungsoo says I should be nice, but you’re not being nice to me?” At times like this, Sehun’s heart clenches, because he can feel how draining it is to be his friend. Every time Chanyeol sighs when he refuses to go out, every time Kyungsoo puts on that fake smile telling him ‘it’s alright, maybe next time’.
“I’ll go.” Sehun mumbles. He had actually been excited earlier, when Lu Han brought it up. But now, it kind of felt like he had something to prove. He could tell that the exact words he had been thinking was on the tip of Kyungsoo’s tongue, and it gave him satisfaction to hear the collective gasp of pure shock from his friends.
“You’ll what?” asks Chanyeol, getting up from the bed and crouching down in front of Sehun. His large hands grasp onto Sehun’s shoulders, shaking the other.
“I’ll go to the party…” he repeats, a small smile on his lips. He can still hear Lu Han’s ‘please’ in his head, and it’s pushing him on.
“What brought this on, Sehun?” Kyungsoo joins Chanyeol in front of Sehun, staring into those large eyes of his. Sort of unsettling, thinks Sehun.
“No reason.” But his thoughts flicker to Lu Han, and he can’t help the small smile that teases his lips.
“Kyungsoo. He’s smiling. Smiling.” Chanyeol has his jaw slack, as he gapes at Sehun.
“Is it Lu Han?” Kyungsoo gasps, realization hitting him like a wave. “It is, isn’t it?!” When Sehun stays silent, a pink blush dusting his cheeks, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo jump back with identical grins on their faces.
“He just mentioned that he wanted to go to the party this weekend, before he graduates…” Sehun tries to explain himself, knowing that his friends are probably going to overreact to this… this new him.
“Sehun has a boy now, Yeol.” Kyungsoo says in monotone. His figure may be the smallest of the three, but it instilled fear into Sehun; even if he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Going to a party with Lu Han is nothing bad.
“That he does.” Even the usually bubbly Chanyeol had a stern expression, and Sehun was starting to squirm in his place.
“Do you think he needs the talk?”
“Maybe. It’s the first time our baby is going to this sort of party, he should be prepared.”
“Guys? I’m still here… And I’m not your baby--”
“We should talk to Lu Han.” Chanyeol and Kyungsoo both say at once.
“What? Why?” Sehun frowns. “I want to go to this party.”
“Yeah, but for Lu Han, right?” Chanyeol’s voice is harsher than Sehun expected.
“We just want to make sure that… he won’t be leaving you disappointed on the night.” Kyungsoo tries to smooth things over, but Sehun still feels riled up over the sudden attack on his decision to go partying.
“What does that even mean?” Sehun’s unsure of when the conversation turned so serious, he hadn’t expected their reactions to be this dramatic. In fact, he had thought that they would be ecstatic knowing that he was willing to go out more, especially since they kept pushing him to.
“Just-- We’ve never met the guy, and he’s been your roommate for ages. And for you to want to go out to this party for him, we’re just… worried for you.” Kyungsoo places his hand on Sehun’s shoulders, releasing the tension in his own. “We’re not mad at you or anything, in fact, we’re glad that you’re stepping out more on your own. But we grew up with you, and we care.”
“I can take care of myself though. Lu Han is a good person, he’s been nice to me for all this time, even if you haven’t seen it.” And it was the truth. Sehun could safely vouch for Lu Han, who treated him like just any other person, not some emotionally-impaired genius who felt awkward in most social situations. He might even go as far to say that Lu Han treated him better than Chanyeol and Kyungsoo did, even though they cared so so much. He knows better than anyone how difficult it is to be his friend, it took ages for him to open up the way he has. With Lu Han, it couldn’t have been much longer than a few weeks, what Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had achieved in years.
“Which is why it’s so hard to believe. Like, does he even exist?” Unlike Kyungsoo, Chanyeol was much more blunt in his opinions, that Sehun has always known. But this time, something inside of him snapped, from anger.
“Of course he does. Who do you think has been living with me?”
“Doesn’t look like anyone does. C’mon, Sehun, look around. One bed, only your clothes, and I only see Maths books.”
“He takes night classes, so he uses the bed during the day.”
“Where is he now?” Chanyeol wasn’t going to drop the subject despite the warning glance from Kyungsoo, the smaller’s hand on his arm. But this time, Sehun wouldn’t either.
“Evening class, where he obviously has his books, hence no Literature on my desk.” Sehun sighs, exasperated at all the questions. He feels defensive, although he has no reason to be. Lu Han is a real person, why couldn’t they see that? It’s not Sehun’s fault that their timetables simply did not coincide with Lu Han’s. “Are you going to keep treating me like a crazy psycho who can’t even distinguish a real person or are we going to drop this? Seriously, I can have other friends besides you two.” When Chanyeol scoffs at his statement, Sehun has the urge to punch him, the first time that violent thoughts have entered his mind.
“Chanyeol…” Kyungsoo squeezes the taller’s arm, hissing a quiet warning when he spots Sehun’s clenched fists. “I’m sure Lu Han is just a really neat and tidy person who cleans up after himself, unlike you.” The joke dies without laughter from Chanyeol and Sehun. Kyungsoo turns to face Sehun, smiling that same smile that Sehun used to love seeing, but now seemed so condescending. “How about we meet him at the party then? Just to reassure us.”
“Fine.” Sehun gets up, opening the door. “Now leave me alone.” Chanyeol storms out, looking back only to lift an eyebrow at Kyungsoo who’s taking his time.
“Sehun, we’re sorry if you’re hurt--” Kyungsoo has one foot outside of the door, lingering behind.
“I’m not. You should be sorry to Lu Han, for calling him not real.”
“We’ll apologize when we see him this weekend... He better meets us, if not I swear, I’ll never believe that he’s a good guy,” huffs Chanyeol, tugging Kyungsoo out of the room stormily. Sehun closes the door after them, stiffly making his way to the bed to simply stare at the white walls of his room.
Am I really that much of a loner that they think I can’t have any other friend besides them? That I would conjure up this… this imaginary person to be my roommate? I’m not crazy. They just don’t understand me, not like Lu Han does. Lu Han understands me better than they ever will, better than anyone ever will.
Sehun’s pulled out of his depressing thoughts by light knocks on the window, Lu Han’s grinning face appearing.
“Hey there, you okay?” Lu Han nimbly climbs back in through the window, jumping onto the floor with a light thud. “I heard raised voices, so I decided to wait it out…” He laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. Sehun can feel the cold sweat forming on his skin.
“How much of it did you hear?” he asks, voice shaky. His suspicions are confirmed when Lu Han refuses to look at him in the eye, hands still on his nape.
“Not much, nothing of significance…”
“Lu Han--” Sehun goes silent as the older makes his way to the bed. Sehun can feel the bed dipping under him as Lu Han sits, he can see the folds and creases of the bed sheets accommodating Lu Han’s body, he can hear the rustle they make when Lu Han shifts closer.
“But you know that I’m always here for you, right?” Luhan’s voice is a breathy whisper, tickling the curves of Sehun’s cheeks as the smaller’s face inches closer, cool fingers resting on top of his hands. “I’m… I’m real.” Sehun looks up to meet Lu Han’s gaze, and for a second he swears he sees numbers running across his irises. But just as quickly as he saw them, they disappear, and it’s just the eyes that had captivated Sehun before.
“I know you are. Don’t worry about my friends… They’re just worried about me.” Sehun felt guilty for putting his friends in that position, but he couldn’t help it. Lu Han was becoming someone special to him, so why couldn’t they accept that?
“You have good friends,” Lu Han says, a genuine smile spreading across his lips.
“None as good as you,” mutters Sehun, belatedly hoping that Lu Han couldn’t hear him.
“I’m honoured,” chuckles the older, pulling Sehun in for a warm embrace. “I’ll be your friend forever, a real friend.”
That night, they fall asleep in each other’s arms, Sehun’s heart clenching at the thought of forever.
ℒ
It was the long-awaited day. The day that Oh Sehun would be going to his first ever party. Since it was Saturday, his was cramped into his room with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, who were taking apart his wardrobe as they tried to dress him in suitable clothes. Lu Han had left earlier in the morning, whining about a replacement class that the teacher had assigned for the graduating seniors. Apparently it would last throughout the day, until evening, just in time for the party that they would be attending. Sehun doesn’t remember whose it is, still can’t, but he vaguely hears Chanyeol complaining about how Sehun doesn’t have anything up to par for a party like Jongin’s? Jongin sounds like a familiar name, the name that Chanyeol keeps bringing up with sparkling eyes, hands clasped like a fangirl.
“Seriously, Sehun.” Chanyeol groans, sitting himself down on the floor, crossing his long legs beneath him. “There’s like no skinny jeans, no t-shirts, no accessories, nothing whatsoever in here! It’s all just formal pants and shirts…”
“That’s what I like to wear?” Sehun defends himself, closing his wardrobe with a bang. “And it’s not like there’s a dress code--”
“Oh, but dear Sehun, there is,” sighs Chanyeol, rubbing his temple in frustration (mock or real, Sehun will never know). “Even Kyungsoo has these killer skinnies and tank top that he wears, and all the girls are over him.”
“Even Kyungsoo? What’s that supposed to mean?” the shortest of them huffs, going over to hit Chanyeol over the head. “Why don’t you just lend him your clothes, if you’re so bothered?”
“... That’s actually a good idea, let’s go.” Chanyeol springs up, pulling Sehun by the arm. “C’mon then, we only have a few hours to get you spruced up, maybe some make-up?”
“Baby steps, Yeol, baby steps,” reminds Kyungsoo as they leave the room, Sehun grimacing at the mention of gunk all over his face.
“Right.”
“How about Lu Han? You said that he has class till the party, but doesn’t he normally borrow your clothes?” Kyungsoo brings up as Chanyeol rummages through his own clothes, throwing random garments into Sehun’s arms. Luckily Chanyeol was too preoccupied, Sehun can already imagine the conspiracy theories that he would think up, of how Lu Han isn’t real.
“I’m sure he’ll figure something out,” smiles Sehun, already anticipating meeting Lu Han later. Sure, they had just seen each other in the morning, but it was a long day and he missed him.
Just as his thoughts went to Lu Han, Sehun felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, and hears the familiar twinkle of his ringtone.
“Oh, one sec, someone’s calling.” When he sees the caller ID, the smile on his face widens into a full-out grin. “It’s Lu Han. Hello?” Too happy with the call, Sehun doesn’t notice the look that Kyungsoo and Chanyeol exchange, eyebrows raised.
“Hey, Sehun.” Lu Han’s voice is barely above a whisper, and Sehun can hear the subtle mumble of a lecturer’s voice behind it. “Bad news, but the professor extended the class for another two hours, and I won’t be able to reach the party on time…”
“Oh…” Sehun tried hard to not sound disappointed, but he could feel the smile slipping off of his face, his signature frown already replacing it. “It’s okay, that’s not your fault…” He didn’t know what else to say, he really didn’t. On one hand, he didn’t want to disappoint Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, who had helped him prepare; but then again, he only wanted to go for Lu Han.
“I’m so sorry,” apologizes Lu Han. “I promise I’ll head on over to Jongin’s straight after though, to meet you there?”
“I-- Yeah, sure.” Sehun tries to reply optimistically, at least he’ll still get to see Lu Han. Even if it was a little later than expected.
“Say hi to the guys for me, bye!” Sehun manages a laugh when he hears the professor barking at Lu Han to ‘put away that darned piece of technology!’ before the line goes dead.
“Lu Han says hi,” Sehun tells the other two, pocketing his phone into the back pocket of Chanyeol’s black leather pants. Too tight, he thinks, as he tries to stay still.
“What happened? You sounded a little let down…” Kyungsoo says carefully.
“He’s just going to be a little late,” Sehun explains, dismissing their worry with a wave of his hands. “He’s not going to ditch me, so stop thinking that.”
“Well, either way, we’ll be there!” Kyungsoo pulls Sehun’s head down into a headlock, ruffling his hair.
“Wait! Stop!” Chanyeol screeches. He whips out a can of hair spray, pointing it towards Sehun. “That hairstyle looks so good, all disheveled and yummy, definitely need that for this party,” he mumbles to himself, grinning maniacally.
“This is why I don’t go to parties, you make them seem so... hectic.”
“That they are,” agrees Chanyeol. “But you’ll definitely have fun, let loose!”
And later that night, when they arrive to Jongin’s house where the grass is literally shaking from the loud volume of music, Sehun could agree. Definitely hectic.
But one thing he can appreciate, is how the numbers in his head seem to have dulled further, not as much as when he’s with Lu Han, but certainly better than before. It was as if his brain had learnt how to let go, to focus on other things besides numbers. Like music, and the deep thrumming of the bass which has him nodding his head, his body swaying from side to side. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he finds himself lost amongst the crowd, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo heading in opposite directions.
He spends what feels like the first hour (it could have been shorter, but boy did he feel exhausted) dancing amongst strangers. He never grabbed onto anyone to get himself a partner, nor did he let wandering hands get too comfortable on his body. He was waiting for Lu Han, and the numbers were starting to come back as the night grew later. By the second hour of holding on, the numbers in his head had reached the same loudness as the surround system, doubling the pounding in head.
Luckily, just before it became unbearable, Sehun notices Lu Han’s head of hair near the door, and he made a beeline for it. The numbers running through his head dulled again, until it was non-existent.
“Lu Han!” he calls out, lifting up a hand to wave at the older. But instead of coming closer, Lu Han smirks, crooking a finger towards Sehun, leaving through the open door. Sehun quickens his footsteps, barely noticing Chanyeol calling after him in confusion before he exits the stuffy house full of people. He breathes in the cool night air, smiling when he spots Lu Han a bit further away, leaning against a tree.
“You look good.” Lu Han speaks before Sehun can, and the younger can feel his confidence swelling at the compliment.
“Thanks…” he mumbles, sort of embarrassed too. “It’s all Chanyeol’s stuff though, apparently my things weren’t cool enough.”
“You’re plenty cool, Oh Sehun, don’t worry about it,” assures Lu Han with a cheesy wink. “Had fun?”
“Kinda…” Sehun hesitates, wondering if he should say the next thing on his mind. “I was hoping that you’d be there too.”
“I’m here now,” smiles Lu Han, and the comfort in his words made up for the time that he was without the older. “Want to dance out here?”
“Here?” Sehun’s confused, but takes the hand that Lu Han offers him nonetheless. “There’s no music…?”
“Oh c’mon, you can hear it from out here,” that’s true, “and besides, it looked so stuffy in there.”
Lu Han places Sehun’s hand on his waist, resting his own on top of Sehun’s shoulders. They sway side to side slowly, and Sehun’s heart almost bursts when he feels Lu Han curling into his chest, hot breath fanning his chest and his hair tickling the underside of his chin.
“This is nice,” mutters Lu Han. “I really am sorry for not coming earlier, and to be honest… I’m exhausted right now…” Sehun can feel Lu Han relaxing further, almost as if he was about to sleep on Sehun’s chest.
“Do you want to go back to the room?” Sehun asks, pulling Lu Han in tighter. “I think I’ve had enough partying for tonight anyways.” He can feel Lu Han’s small chuckle vibrating against him.
“Alright, but you should probably tell your friends that you’re leaving. They’ll be worried if you suddenly disappear.” Lu Han pulls back, rubbing at his eyes.
“I’ll just text them, it would take too long to find them in that crowd.” And Sehun does just that, taking Lu Han under his arms as they make their way back, ignoring the calls of his name behind him, and the buzz in his pockets.
Sehun! You’re going home already? But you didn’t even introduce Lu Han to us yet…. Plus, I saw you leaving alone? What’s up with that? Answer!
The next morning, Sehun wakes up to the sound of pounding on the door, and he rolls off the bed with a groan. Must be Lu Han, maybe he forgot something, he thinks, noting that he’s alone.
But when he opens the door, Chanyeol barrels in, Kyungsoo trying to pull him back and failing.
“Yeol! Calm down!”
“So we didn’t meet Lu Han yesterday.” Chanyeol gets straight to the point, and Sehun has to resist the urge to roll his eyes.
“Like I said in the text, he was tired from his full day of replacement classes. We left pretty much as soon as he arrived.”
“I kept my eyes on you the whole time, there was no way I would have missed him.”
“Oh really? The guy who went straight to the booze without looking back?” Sehun scoffs, enjoying the angry red rising on Chanyeol’s face.
“But I saw you leave the house, and you were standing alone outside!” insists Chanyeol.
“What? No way. Lu han was with me, we were talking and stuff.”
“No, I saw you, and you were just hanging out alone.”
“Chanyeol, when are you going to drop this?” Sehun was growing sick of it. “Lu Han is real, not some delusion that I conjured up on my own!”
During the whole confrontation, Kyungsoo had remained silent. But seeing the rising tension between the other two, he speaks up, placing a restricting hand on both of their arms.
“Guys, stop it.” He breathes in, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Chanyeol, you can’t just call other people’s friends ‘not real’ because you haven’t met them, I’m sure Sehun’s met like zero of your friends outside this group.”
“But I saw him standing alone--”
“It was dark, you were drunk. Don’t even deny it.” Kyungsoo’s tone was final, and Chanyeol sighed in defeat.
“This isn’t over.”
“Yes, it is.” Sehun yawns, going back to bed. “I, nor Lu Han, don’t have to prove anything. Besides, he’s graduating in a few weeks, it won’t matter whether or not you believe he’s real.”
“Sehun…”
“I’m sleepy, that party was tiring.” He turns to face the other way, relaxing only when he hears the door clicking shut, silence enveloping him once more. He can hear Kyungsoo scolding Chanyeol, hah! He deserved that, getting quieter and quieter as they walk away, until it’s just him and the numbers in his head.
ℒ
The next few weeks flew by, and before Sehun knew it, Lu Han’s graduation day had arrived. He had barely seen his roommate in that time, Lu Han preoccupied with finals and handing in stacks of essays and portfolios. But Lu Han still bought him food, still called once in a while to let him know that he was alive.
“I’ll see you at the graduation ceremony later?” Lu Han’s voice sounds a bit distant through the phone, but chipper as always, which Sehun assumes is the work of the horrible signal at the campus.
“Sure! Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” promises Sehun, smiling to himself as he walks to his first class of the day. “I have my individual assignment to work on today, but I’ll be sure to get out of my discussion with the professor on time.”
“See you later then,” Lu Han replies, before Sehun hears the line go dead.
“See you,” he says to himself, chuckling happily.
The whole day, he works on his project under the guidance of his lecturer. He had only recently decided what to work on, when most of his classmates had decided by the first semester. But it didn’t matter too much, considering how it would be carried on throughout his time at King’s, until he graduated. It was actually thanks to Lu Han that he finally decided on his subject choice.
One night, he had a jumble of numbers in his head, and he couldn’t think straight. But Lu Han had come back, dumping his things onto the floor and jumping straight into Sehun’s arms and fell asleep immediately. Somehow, having Lu Han in his arms cleared his thoughts, and it was as if the numbers just aligned themselves, into a formula that actually made sense.
And the whole time he was working on the project, he could see Lu Han’s smiling face, hear his voice encouraging him to work on, as if Lu Han was right next to him. Which he wasn’t, but it was a nice thought.
When the clock hit four in the afternoon, Sehun looks up from his work, a small gasp leaving his lips.
“Is something the matter?” asks his professor, looking over Sehun’s work with his glasses almost falling off the bridge of his nose.
“I-- I have an appointment to go to--”
“I’m sorry, Sehun, but you have to get this report written up by today, it’s the last week of this semester. It’s due today midnight…” His professor gives him a look full of pity, and Sehun feels his heart drop. “You’ll lose credits if you don’t submit it on time.”
“Can I just send a message to someone then?” His professor nods, and Sehun couldn’t have taken his phone out faster.
I’m so sorry! I have a report due that I completely forgot about… And I can’t afford to lose credits since I’m on scholarship… I’ll meet you back in the room after you’re done? I’m so sorry….
As he sent the text, Sehun could feel the guilt eating him up, but sucked it up and continued to work. I’ll buy him some cake on the way back, as a congratulatory gift.
Hours later, when the sun had set, and the sounds of party poppers resonated throughout the campus, Sehun finally finished, handing in his report with an exhausted groan. But he ran straight to the bakery, buying the first cake he sets his eyes on and runs all the way back to the room. When he opens the door, he’s met with Lu Han’s back, slightly hunched, and Sehun’s heart clenches.
“Hey…” he mutters, closing the door behind him.
“Hi.” Sehun can’t tell if Lu Han is horribly disappointed, or if it was just his normal greeting. “Did you finish up your paper?”
“Yeah… Look, I’m really, really sorry.” Sehun apologizes once more, walking to give Lu Han a back hug. “I really wanted to go see you up there, but--”
“It’s fine,” Lu Han assures, turning his head to face Sehun, a gentle smile on his lips. He presses them against Sehun’s cheek, a chaste kiss. “I’m glad you still came here with-- is that a cake?” he asks with a laugh.
“Yeah, I felt really bad…”
“Well, let’s have some cake and celebrate me finally going out into the cruel, cruel world like Snow White walking into that dangerous forest,” Lu Han says, a joking glimmer in his eyes.
“What a weird… what’s the word for it?”
“Analogy.”
“Yeah! That’s why you’re the Literature major who graduated with first honors,” chuckles Sehun, pulling Lu Han in for another hug.
They spend the night together, just talking as they ate the cake, although Sehun felt like he had eaten a whole cake by himself. As the night grew older, the topics turned to more serious ones, like what would happen after Lu Han leaves the university.
“You’ll still keep in contact right?” asks Sehun, worry gnawing at his mind.
“Of course,” replies Lu Han. “Silly Sehun, thinking that you could get rid of me so easily,” giggles Lu Han.
ℒ
When Lu Han leaves, it’s like he was never there in the first place. Sehun still thinks of him often, can hear him sometimes, even sees a mirage sitting on the blue bench beside Alan Turing’s statue under the apple tree, but he knows it’s not the real thing. Lu Han emails him often, from all over the world as he travels and writes about his adventures. Sehun’s like his journal, and it makes the younger want to see the world too, from the way that Lu Han writes about all these exotic places.
Sehun also told him about all the things he was doing at university. About how he had started up a buddy program, for freshmen to pair up across different majors. He had started with Literature and Mathematics majors, pairing them so that they could learn one or two things from each other, to appreciate the other subjects. It was highly successful, running from his second year when he founded the sort-of exchange program, right through to the current batch of freshmen, now that he’s a senior.
It’s his final year, and he’s finishing up his final report for his individual project, the one that started with Lu Han. He had called the older earlier, to invite him to his graduation ceremony next month. Lu Han had agreed, saying that it was time he came back to London for a stop on his world tour. His voice sounded distant, more so than when he was with Sehun; but again, Sehun accounted it to the distance between them. Which won’t be too much soon.
The month passes by in a blur, as time tends to do when you’re buried in work to finish up and jobs to apply for. Somehow, Sehun finds himself already sitting amongst his classmates, in their black gowns with red trimmings, as it is for their department. He tried looking for Lu Han in the crowd, he had already booked the ticket and left it in the room for him to pick up. But he can’t spot the familiar head of hair amongst the many parents with teary eyes as they watch their children graduating. He supposes that Lu Han must have changed his hair since the last time he saw the older.
As the names get nearer to the O’s, Sehun’s eyes keep flitting around the venue, hoping to at least see Lu Han once.
“Oh Sehun! Not only are we proud to present you with your graduation certificate, but we would also like to present to you the Alan Turing award, for your major contribution on the LU decomposition project in remembrance of Sir Alan Turing, as well as the bringing together of departments from across the board.” Sehun walks up to the podium, clearly surprised about his award, but happy nonetheless.
Just as the certificate is in his hands, and he shakes the Chancellor’s hand, he looks up to see the person that he’s wanted to see the most over the past few years. Lu Han, under the apple tree, picking a red apple from a low branch and taking a seat beside the Alan Turing statue, sitting in the exact same pose. Lu Han who looks like he hasn’t aged a day, who’s wearing what he wore the first time that Sehun met him. Lu Han faces him, smiling before he bites into the apple, licking his lips.
Sehun barely registers the congratulations as he steps off the stage, robotically walking towards Lu Han, dropping the flowers in his hands (he doesn’t remember who gave it to him).
“Hey.” It seemed too short of a greeting but Sehun was speechless despite all of the things that he wanted to tell Lu Han. A huge thank you being at the top of the list.
“Congratulations on graduating, Sehun.” For some reason, Lu Han’s voice sounded just as distant as it did when they spoke over the phone. He’s about to comment on it, but then he notices the numbers across Lu Han’s irises, and they don’t disappear this time. In fact, they look oddly familiar.
And then it clicks. His gaze flickers to the statue beside Lu Han.
“Chanyeol was right.” He sighs, taking the seat beside Lu Han.
“Was he?” Lu Han takes another bite of the apple, the crunch so loud to Sehun.
“You’re not… You’re not real.”
“Am I not? You can feel me, can’t you?” Lu Han takes Sehun’s hand, resting it on lap.
“I don’t know…” And Sehun really didn’t know what to think. But he knew history, at least the history of the mathematician at the core of his individual project.
He thinks of the great man who did his best for his country, bringing forwards knowledge of computers and systems. Of the man who fell in love with a much younger and unemployed man. The man who was shunned by the country for so-called indecent behaviour because of aforementioned sexual acts with his lover, and subjected to hormonal treatments that changed forever. The son who ate an apple laced with cyanide just before sleeping, inspired by his favourite fairy tale, Snow White. He never found his happily ever after though.
“Thank you for being here for me, Lu Han. Even if you’re not real…” Sehun sighs, his mind a mess.
“I’m as real as you want me to be.” Lu Han’s voice gets quieter and quieter until Sehun can hear nothing but the chatter of excited graduates.
“Sehun!” He looks up to see Kyungsoo and Chanyeol in their robes too, although Chanyeol had pink trimmings representing his Dentistry department, Kyungsoo’s an emerald green. “What are you doing here alone?”
“I just needed time to process,” he shrugs, getting up to loop his arms around both of their shoulders. “Time to celebrate and party!”
thanks to belle, for beta'ing the final piece last minute and her wonderful help with boosting my morale. and to erinne, for her help at the beginning, when i needed someone to plot with me even though our timezones are so far apart. and thank you to the people that commented on my selubration post, for giving all your comments that made my heart soar, and my mind at ease. thank you.
aurics, Prompt #75Title: Mind’s Algorithm
Rating: pg13
Word Count: 8600~ words
Summary: Sometimes you can change for the person who you fall in love with. But sometimes, no-one can change you better than yourself.
Warning/s: mentions of real-life suicide in history, mental illness
Originally posted at
selubration for Round 2~Oh Sehun, first year at King’s College, already feels like he’s drowning amongst the crowd, unimportant in the new world of adulthood. It’s only been a week at King’s, yet he feels drained of all energy. Not because the classes were hard; they were far from it. Sehun, the maths genius who solved calculations faster than anyone else on a calculator, was suffering from something quite different. His exhaustion stemmed from being surrounded by people: his fellow classmates, who partied all night and were barely awake during lectures. Sehun could never understand, did not want to understand what exactly such people were doing in university; it certainly wasn’t to get a degree.
But as much as Sehun complained about those kinds of people, he couldn’t deny his curiosity at their lifestyle. He was used to the absoluteness of numbers and figures, and they flowed endlessly through his head, even when he was doing nothing at all. Numbers, numbers, and even more numbers, that was his everything. Words were not his forte, and neither were emotions. And Sehun wanted to change that, he wanted to try being like everyone else for once, but that’s not so easy, changing everything that you’ve known for the last twenty years of your life.
Sehun stayed at the dormitories provided by the university, as it was compulsory for all first years. He was one of the lucky few who've got a room to themselves. So it was with an undignified flop onto the bed, accompanied by a loud grunt, that he returned after maneuvering through the crowded general area, where people were planning for the next big party this weekend. In fact, he had been invited by Chanyeol earlier, one of the few people who were actually considered his close friend. Chanyeol was the complete opposite of Sehun, loved to party but still managed to keep his grades up. Sehun would never say it out loud, but Chanyeol was the person that he himself wanted to be.
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, and Sehun gets up, expecting it to be either Chanyeol or Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was his other close friend, or more like the person who always checked that Sehun didn’t forget to eat because he was too busy thinking about the Nash-Moser theorem and how it related to the Banach fixed theorem--
Again, the knocking disrupts his thoughts, and Sehun gets up with a start, the numbers still running amok in his head as he opens the door.
“Hi!” Sehun blinks in confusion. That doesn’t sound like either Chanyeol or Kyungsoo, he thinks, finally focusing in front of him, trying to ignore the need to concentrate on the numbers in his mind.
“Hello?” Sehun can’t help the confusion that leaks into his voice, it’s not like he’s purposely trying to be rude or anything.
“Are you Sehun?” the person in front of him asks.
“Yes, and who are you?” The more important question here.
“I’m Lu Han, and I’m your roommate!” By this point, Lu Han was looking at him expectantly, eyes bright, so Sehun let him in. It would be rude of me to let him stay outside… right? It was strangely quiet outside despite the time, it wasn’t even dark yet, but Sehun didn’t pay it too much attention.
“I wasn’t told about this…” he mutters, turning to face Lu Han, who was now sitting on the bed, swinging his legs. He was like a child, although Sehun knew better than to think that he was. He was definitely confused by the youth that radiated from the person in front of him, but there was something in the confidence that he exuded, that made Sehun think that Lu Han had many years under his belt. The tousled chestnut hair, probably styled to look effortless, and the simple tee and jeans combination distracted Sehun, and all of a sudden, there it was again. From the shirt to jeans ratio, it seems that Lu Han has a body ratio that’s slightly skewed towards--
“Yeah, it was a last minute change, they probably lost the message amongst all the freshies’ complaints,” laughs Lu Han, getting up again to walk up to Sehun. “I’m sorry if this seems so sudden, but I promise I won’t be a bother!” Sehun doesn’t know how to react, he hasn’t really grown up around a lot of people and interacted with few people other than his parents and two friends. A part of him thinks that he should be finding this situation highly irritating; but if he’s being true to himself, he’s more than a little curious as to what life would be like with someone who looked to be the complete opposite of himself.
“Okay…” he mumbles, and he blushes when Luhan smiles, so bright, in front of him. “Where are your things?” he asks, noting that Lu Han came in empty-handed, “There’s only one bed too…”
“That’s alright,” Lu Han waves him off, moving to sit by the desk this time. “I take night classes, so I’ll probably be out whenever you’re in and vice versa. If you don’t mind, we can just share the bed?” Sehun’s eyes widen - the jump from being socially awkward to sharing a bed with someone, even in the way that Luhan was suggesting, was huge - and he ends up choking on air, coughing loudly.
“You don’t want to request for a bed? I mean--”
“Oh… you’re probably uncomfortable, am I right?” Lu Han’s expression falters, his smile dimming.
“Uhm definitely not!” Sehun hastily replies. He’s not sure why, but Lu Han’s upset face had his stomach coiling, and he didn’t like that feeling. “It’s better this way, there’s barely any space for an extra bed anyway,” he reasons, sighing in relief when the smile is back on Lu Han’s face.
“That’s true, and don’t worry, I don’t go around asking to sleep in the beds of every person I meet.” Sehun almost gasps at Lu Han’s words, but then he realizes that the boy is joking, so he relaxes and manages a small chuckle. He goes to sit on the bed, and faces Lu Han.
“You said you take night classes? What are you majoring in?” Might as well start getting to know my new roommate, thinks Sehun as he waits for Lu Han’s response.
“I’m a Literature major in my final year.” Sehun nods. It’s obvious from the way that Lu Han speaks with such confidence that the boy had a way with words.
“Maths, Freshman,” responds Sehun, and that was the end of the conversation. Although Lu Han continues to smile at him, until it has Sehun squirming on the bed, laying down to face the wall.
“Well, I’ll take that as my cue to leave; we can get to know each other more another day, when I don’t have an Anglo-Saxon literature class to attend,” chuckles Luhan, and Sehun can hear the creaking of the chair in the silent evening air. Still too loud, with the numbers of this equation that I can’t seem to make sense of. “Don’t wait up, and don’t worry about tidying the bed before I get back, I usually crash right after.” The clicking of the door reaches Sehun’s ears, and he can hear the soft padding of shoes against the hard wooden floor as Lu Han walks to his class.
During the next few weeks, Sehun barely has a glimpse of his senior, besides their first meeting and occasional peeks of that familiar chestnut-coloured hair that easily blended amongst the crowd. It was only because of Lu Han’s unique facial features, with those eyes that sparkled even from a distance, that captured his attention. Sehun has always believed that the eyes were the windows of the soul, and everyone used to joke that they could see the numbers running across his, much like the code that runs on a computer screen. And in a way, he agreed. There were calculations involved, like the number of times a person’s eyes flickered to someone else, or flickered away. Anything and everything was just mathematics, and that was how Sehun lived life.
“Freshie, are you zoning out while doing homework?” Sehun starts at the sudden voice interrupting his thoughts, and he’s even more shocked when he opens his eyes to the very pair of irises that he had been thinking about.
“Lu Han.”
“Yes, that’s me,” smiles Lu Han. “Sorry I haven’t been in the room much, the first few weeks back have been hectic because obviously no-one in the class did any of our summer reading, so all of the professors have been whipping us back to the reality of final year.”
“Wow, and I’m already exhausted by the first few weeks of first year…” sighed Sehun, closing his eyes again. And it was true. For some reason, Chanyeol had been pushing him to go to one of the parties (he doesn’t bother remembering which, since Chanyeol basically asked him every other day) and it was tiring him to even think of socializing.
“How about I treat you for some bubble tea?” Sehun’s ears prick up at the mention of his favourite drink, cracking open one eye. “Oh? Does our little freshie like the sound of that?” teases Lu Han, ruffling Sehun’s hair, just a shade darker than the senior’s.
“Sure.” Usually, that’s where Sehun stops speaking, having made his wishes clear. But Lu Han smiling at him encouraged him to go on, to try and keep having a conversation. “I may be a mathematical genius who would love the challenge of calculating how much of my monthly allowance I can afford to spend on bubble tea, but free drinks are even better.” Sehun can feel the heat rising to his face as he waits for Lu Han’s reaction, who seems to be contemplating something deep.
“Freshie made a funny!” Lu Han burst out laughing, clapping Sehun on the back in congratulations. “Well, it still has a long way to go, but at least you’re trying!”
“Whatever, let’s just go buy me lots and lots of bubble tea so that I can drown in an endless sea of sugar and balls.”
“Oh wow, you swing that way? Cool.” Sehun groans, but he can’t help the smile that makes its way onto his face.
When they reach the cafe (the one on campus since Lu Han had a class in an hour), it’s packed since it’s after most of the day classes are over and done with, and most students take the time to go over the day’s work. Sehun spots an empty table by the corner of the store, which he points out to Lu Han.
“Why don’t you go and take a seat, I’ll order for the both of us.”
“But I was supposed to treat you--”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I was kidding about it, I’m on scholarship anyway so I’ve got to use my pocket money for something, right? You’ll just have to deal with me fattening you with caffeinated drinks for the sake of a balanced bank account.”
“Alright then,” Lu Han grins, going over to the table and sitting closest to the wall. Sehun orders quickly, getting two chocolate bubble teas (since he didn’t know what Lu Han liked) and went over to sit in front of the senior, with his back to the door of the cafe. “I think I’ve figured it out.” Lu Han reaches for one of the cups, holding it in between his palms and rolling the cup side to side.
“Figured out what?”
“To get you to be more sociable, people just need to bait you with bubble tea.” And to that, Sehun had no response. Although his brain did start calculating how much money would be spent on him if they tried, and if the hundreds, maybe thousands, a year would be worth it, to know a person like him.
“Ah! I have to go now, sorry,” Lu Han stands up, pushing the still-full cup of bubble tea towards Sehun. “My professor literally blows a fuse when anyone brings anything spillable to class, so I can’t finish this,” he explains with a frown.
“It’s okay, I’ll help you finish,” assures Sehun, waving goodbye as Lu Han exits the cafe, running towards the Arts block. He turns back to the table, hurriedly finishing off his second drink.
“Sehun!” Kyungsoo slides into the seat that Lu Han was sitting in, smiling just like Lu Han was. “What are you doing here all alone?”
“I was here with Lu Han, my roommate, but he had to leave for his Lit class.”
“Oh, the guy you mentioned when you just moved in?” Sehun nods. “It’s weird, how I’ve never seen him before, but I guess King’s is a huge place.” Kyungsoo too was a Literature Major, although he decided to study Asian Literature. ’To stay true to my roots’ he had said.
“Yeah.” There’s silence as Kyungsoo gives him a once over (as he always does when he meets Sehun) and Sehun sighs. “I’m eating, as you can see from the two cups of bubble tea--”
“But that’s not real food--”
“Lu Han makes sure to buy me something before he goes to class.” And it was true, Sehun would enter his room after class, to find a small plastic bag with different takeaways everyday, and a small note from Lu Han. It was the only communication between them before this, since their timetables were polar opposites. Lu Han would get dinner, and Sehun would get him his breakfast. And for some strange reason, Sehun would always find himself feeling fuller than he ever felt.
“Okay… I’m glad you’re making more friends, especially from the way you’re smiling more often,” admits Kyungsoo, standing up. “I have to go and study with my group now, so I’ll call you later!”
“No need, I’ll be sleeping.” Sehun gets up, pushing his chair in, ducking to avoid Kyungsoo’s short arm swinging at him. “Sleep is important.”
“Of course.”
Sehun and Lu Han only got closer after countless bubble tea dates; although Lu Han never seemed to touch his drink, claiming to forget to drink it since he was too absorbed in the conversation (which sent Sehun’s heart soaring - he had never been told that he was interesting before). Classes went on as usual, but Sehun wasn’t finding himself as exhausted as before, handling even the group projects with ease. The numbers running through his head had dimmed slightly, only reappearing when he needed them (such as during classes). Otherwise, his thoughts often went to Lu Han, who was spending more and more time in the room.
On one particular day, Sehun had been lying down on the bed, whilst Lu Han was typing away on his (and by his, it meant Sehun’s) laptop.
“What are you doing?” asks Sehun, trying to peek over Luhan’s shoulder, but all he sees is a blank page.
“Trying to write up my final thesis… But it’s harder to start, since it’s my final one, you know?” Lu Han sighs, closing the laptop and flopping down beside Sehun. “Let me rest for a while.” He nuzzles up to Sehun’s side, the latter accepting him into his arms. It was strange, the first thought to pop into his head was how comfortable it felt to have Lu Han in his arms. It felt like his favourite bolster that he hugged to sleep for the first few years of his life (more like until the day he had to leave home for King’s).
“Oh yeah, you’ll be graduating in a few months,” mutters Sehun, his heart clenching at the thought of a new roommate (or maybe it was the one who would be leaving, that would give him more grief).
“Missing me already?” jokes Lu Han, playfully punching Sehun’s bicep.
“No...” But it was clear from the blush dusting his cheeks that Sehun couldn’t imagine not having Lu Han around; the Lu Han that started spending more and more time in the room at the same time as himself. Sehun had started to lock the doors, to give Lu Han privacy to work on his thesis (more like to stop anyone, namely Chanyeol or Kyungsoo, from catching them together and interrupting).
“How about this? As a sort-of goodbye gift to me--”
“Wait, you’re asking for your gift? What if I wasn’t going to get you one?” Sehun chuckles, shaking his head as Lu Han frowns at him.
“Of course you have to, Oh Sehun. I’m your roommate.” Lu Han settles back into Sehun’s arms, lacing their fingers together with their right hands, his left hand tracing patterns on top. “Yeah, so the gift. How about going to one of those parties that Chanyeol invites you to?” Sehun freezes. Lu Han doesn’t stop in his ministrations, smiling up at Sehun comfortingly. “I know you hate crowds and just anything to do with parties, but maybe one wouldn’t hurt?” When Sehun doesn’t reply, Lu Han reaches up to cup his face. “Please?” he whispers, leaning closer to ghost his lips over Sehun’s. To the latter, although it’s barely a breeze of a touch, he can feel his nerves catching on fire, and all he can think about is Lu Han.
“I’ll go…” he whispers just as quietly, all of the tension in his body leaving in waves as he feels Lu Han’s lips smiling against his.
“Thank you.”
Just then, there’s a knock on the door.
“Sehun!” It’s Chanyeol, who doesn’t stop knocking, or calling out for the younger. As he gets up to answer the door, Lu Han pulls him back.
“Wait, can I just leave through the window first?” Lu Han hurriedly mutters, glancing at the open window.
“What? Why?” asks Sehun, furrowing his eyebrows.
“I-- I’m kind of late for my evening class, and I don’t want to seem rude in front of your friends by leaving straight away…” Lu Han is already by the window (thank god they were on the ground floor) with one leg outside. “I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah…” Sehun’s more than a little confused by his behaviour, but lets it slide. Probably part of why I like him, it’s his charm. He starts when he realizes that he just thought of liking Lu Han, but the knocking at the door intensifies, Kyungsoo’s voice joining Chanyeol’s. I’d estimate about a ten percent increase in terms of decibel level, but Kyungsoo and his choir boy voice might make that estimation into an underestimation-- I should get that. When he finally opens the door, Chanyeol comes barging in, flopping onto the bed.
“What took you so long?” Chanyeol nags, tutting at Sehun. “It was like you were sneaking someone out of that open window.” Sehun tries not to choke on his own spit when Chanyeol motions to the window, turning to face Kyungsoo, who just walked in.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Yeol.” Kyungsoo closes the door behind him, going to sit on the bed too. Sehun has no choice but to sit on the floor, in his own room no less.
“He’s always ridiculous.” Sehun smirks at Chanyeol’s indignant squawk, ducking when the older throws a pillow. “Work on your aim, Yeol.”
“I don’t even know why I bother,” sighs Chanyeol, “I came here wanting to ask you to the next party this weekend, since Kyungsoo says I should be nice, but you’re not being nice to me?” At times like this, Sehun’s heart clenches, because he can feel how draining it is to be his friend. Every time Chanyeol sighs when he refuses to go out, every time Kyungsoo puts on that fake smile telling him ‘it’s alright, maybe next time’.
“I’ll go.” Sehun mumbles. He had actually been excited earlier, when Lu Han brought it up. But now, it kind of felt like he had something to prove. He could tell that the exact words he had been thinking was on the tip of Kyungsoo’s tongue, and it gave him satisfaction to hear the collective gasp of pure shock from his friends.
“You’ll what?” asks Chanyeol, getting up from the bed and crouching down in front of Sehun. His large hands grasp onto Sehun’s shoulders, shaking the other.
“I’ll go to the party…” he repeats, a small smile on his lips. He can still hear Lu Han’s ‘please’ in his head, and it’s pushing him on.
“What brought this on, Sehun?” Kyungsoo joins Chanyeol in front of Sehun, staring into those large eyes of his. Sort of unsettling, thinks Sehun.
“No reason.” But his thoughts flicker to Lu Han, and he can’t help the small smile that teases his lips.
“Kyungsoo. He’s smiling. Smiling.” Chanyeol has his jaw slack, as he gapes at Sehun.
“Is it Lu Han?” Kyungsoo gasps, realization hitting him like a wave. “It is, isn’t it?!” When Sehun stays silent, a pink blush dusting his cheeks, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo jump back with identical grins on their faces.
“He just mentioned that he wanted to go to the party this weekend, before he graduates…” Sehun tries to explain himself, knowing that his friends are probably going to overreact to this… this new him.
“Sehun has a boy now, Yeol.” Kyungsoo says in monotone. His figure may be the smallest of the three, but it instilled fear into Sehun; even if he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Going to a party with Lu Han is nothing bad.
“That he does.” Even the usually bubbly Chanyeol had a stern expression, and Sehun was starting to squirm in his place.
“Do you think he needs the talk?”
“Maybe. It’s the first time our baby is going to this sort of party, he should be prepared.”
“Guys? I’m still here… And I’m not your baby--”
“We should talk to Lu Han.” Chanyeol and Kyungsoo both say at once.
“What? Why?” Sehun frowns. “I want to go to this party.”
“Yeah, but for Lu Han, right?” Chanyeol’s voice is harsher than Sehun expected.
“We just want to make sure that… he won’t be leaving you disappointed on the night.” Kyungsoo tries to smooth things over, but Sehun still feels riled up over the sudden attack on his decision to go partying.
“What does that even mean?” Sehun’s unsure of when the conversation turned so serious, he hadn’t expected their reactions to be this dramatic. In fact, he had thought that they would be ecstatic knowing that he was willing to go out more, especially since they kept pushing him to.
“Just-- We’ve never met the guy, and he’s been your roommate for ages. And for you to want to go out to this party for him, we’re just… worried for you.” Kyungsoo places his hand on Sehun’s shoulders, releasing the tension in his own. “We’re not mad at you or anything, in fact, we’re glad that you’re stepping out more on your own. But we grew up with you, and we care.”
“I can take care of myself though. Lu Han is a good person, he’s been nice to me for all this time, even if you haven’t seen it.” And it was the truth. Sehun could safely vouch for Lu Han, who treated him like just any other person, not some emotionally-impaired genius who felt awkward in most social situations. He might even go as far to say that Lu Han treated him better than Chanyeol and Kyungsoo did, even though they cared so so much. He knows better than anyone how difficult it is to be his friend, it took ages for him to open up the way he has. With Lu Han, it couldn’t have been much longer than a few weeks, what Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had achieved in years.
“Which is why it’s so hard to believe. Like, does he even exist?” Unlike Kyungsoo, Chanyeol was much more blunt in his opinions, that Sehun has always known. But this time, something inside of him snapped, from anger.
“Of course he does. Who do you think has been living with me?”
“Doesn’t look like anyone does. C’mon, Sehun, look around. One bed, only your clothes, and I only see Maths books.”
“He takes night classes, so he uses the bed during the day.”
“Where is he now?” Chanyeol wasn’t going to drop the subject despite the warning glance from Kyungsoo, the smaller’s hand on his arm. But this time, Sehun wouldn’t either.
“Evening class, where he obviously has his books, hence no Literature on my desk.” Sehun sighs, exasperated at all the questions. He feels defensive, although he has no reason to be. Lu Han is a real person, why couldn’t they see that? It’s not Sehun’s fault that their timetables simply did not coincide with Lu Han’s. “Are you going to keep treating me like a crazy psycho who can’t even distinguish a real person or are we going to drop this? Seriously, I can have other friends besides you two.” When Chanyeol scoffs at his statement, Sehun has the urge to punch him, the first time that violent thoughts have entered his mind.
“Chanyeol…” Kyungsoo squeezes the taller’s arm, hissing a quiet warning when he spots Sehun’s clenched fists. “I’m sure Lu Han is just a really neat and tidy person who cleans up after himself, unlike you.” The joke dies without laughter from Chanyeol and Sehun. Kyungsoo turns to face Sehun, smiling that same smile that Sehun used to love seeing, but now seemed so condescending. “How about we meet him at the party then? Just to reassure us.”
“Fine.” Sehun gets up, opening the door. “Now leave me alone.” Chanyeol storms out, looking back only to lift an eyebrow at Kyungsoo who’s taking his time.
“Sehun, we’re sorry if you’re hurt--” Kyungsoo has one foot outside of the door, lingering behind.
“I’m not. You should be sorry to Lu Han, for calling him not real.”
“We’ll apologize when we see him this weekend... He better meets us, if not I swear, I’ll never believe that he’s a good guy,” huffs Chanyeol, tugging Kyungsoo out of the room stormily. Sehun closes the door after them, stiffly making his way to the bed to simply stare at the white walls of his room.
Am I really that much of a loner that they think I can’t have any other friend besides them? That I would conjure up this… this imaginary person to be my roommate? I’m not crazy. They just don’t understand me, not like Lu Han does. Lu Han understands me better than they ever will, better than anyone ever will.
Sehun’s pulled out of his depressing thoughts by light knocks on the window, Lu Han’s grinning face appearing.
“Hey there, you okay?” Lu Han nimbly climbs back in through the window, jumping onto the floor with a light thud. “I heard raised voices, so I decided to wait it out…” He laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. Sehun can feel the cold sweat forming on his skin.
“How much of it did you hear?” he asks, voice shaky. His suspicions are confirmed when Lu Han refuses to look at him in the eye, hands still on his nape.
“Not much, nothing of significance…”
“Lu Han--” Sehun goes silent as the older makes his way to the bed. Sehun can feel the bed dipping under him as Lu Han sits, he can see the folds and creases of the bed sheets accommodating Lu Han’s body, he can hear the rustle they make when Lu Han shifts closer.
“But you know that I’m always here for you, right?” Luhan’s voice is a breathy whisper, tickling the curves of Sehun’s cheeks as the smaller’s face inches closer, cool fingers resting on top of his hands. “I’m… I’m real.” Sehun looks up to meet Lu Han’s gaze, and for a second he swears he sees numbers running across his irises. But just as quickly as he saw them, they disappear, and it’s just the eyes that had captivated Sehun before.
“I know you are. Don’t worry about my friends… They’re just worried about me.” Sehun felt guilty for putting his friends in that position, but he couldn’t help it. Lu Han was becoming someone special to him, so why couldn’t they accept that?
“You have good friends,” Lu Han says, a genuine smile spreading across his lips.
“None as good as you,” mutters Sehun, belatedly hoping that Lu Han couldn’t hear him.
“I’m honoured,” chuckles the older, pulling Sehun in for a warm embrace. “I’ll be your friend forever, a real friend.”
That night, they fall asleep in each other’s arms, Sehun’s heart clenching at the thought of forever.
It was the long-awaited day. The day that Oh Sehun would be going to his first ever party. Since it was Saturday, his was cramped into his room with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, who were taking apart his wardrobe as they tried to dress him in suitable clothes. Lu Han had left earlier in the morning, whining about a replacement class that the teacher had assigned for the graduating seniors. Apparently it would last throughout the day, until evening, just in time for the party that they would be attending. Sehun doesn’t remember whose it is, still can’t, but he vaguely hears Chanyeol complaining about how Sehun doesn’t have anything up to par for a party like Jongin’s? Jongin sounds like a familiar name, the name that Chanyeol keeps bringing up with sparkling eyes, hands clasped like a fangirl.
“Seriously, Sehun.” Chanyeol groans, sitting himself down on the floor, crossing his long legs beneath him. “There’s like no skinny jeans, no t-shirts, no accessories, nothing whatsoever in here! It’s all just formal pants and shirts…”
“That’s what I like to wear?” Sehun defends himself, closing his wardrobe with a bang. “And it’s not like there’s a dress code--”
“Oh, but dear Sehun, there is,” sighs Chanyeol, rubbing his temple in frustration (mock or real, Sehun will never know). “Even Kyungsoo has these killer skinnies and tank top that he wears, and all the girls are over him.”
“Even Kyungsoo? What’s that supposed to mean?” the shortest of them huffs, going over to hit Chanyeol over the head. “Why don’t you just lend him your clothes, if you’re so bothered?”
“... That’s actually a good idea, let’s go.” Chanyeol springs up, pulling Sehun by the arm. “C’mon then, we only have a few hours to get you spruced up, maybe some make-up?”
“Baby steps, Yeol, baby steps,” reminds Kyungsoo as they leave the room, Sehun grimacing at the mention of gunk all over his face.
“Right.”
“How about Lu Han? You said that he has class till the party, but doesn’t he normally borrow your clothes?” Kyungsoo brings up as Chanyeol rummages through his own clothes, throwing random garments into Sehun’s arms. Luckily Chanyeol was too preoccupied, Sehun can already imagine the conspiracy theories that he would think up, of how Lu Han isn’t real.
“I’m sure he’ll figure something out,” smiles Sehun, already anticipating meeting Lu Han later. Sure, they had just seen each other in the morning, but it was a long day and he missed him.
Just as his thoughts went to Lu Han, Sehun felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, and hears the familiar twinkle of his ringtone.
“Oh, one sec, someone’s calling.” When he sees the caller ID, the smile on his face widens into a full-out grin. “It’s Lu Han. Hello?” Too happy with the call, Sehun doesn’t notice the look that Kyungsoo and Chanyeol exchange, eyebrows raised.
“Hey, Sehun.” Lu Han’s voice is barely above a whisper, and Sehun can hear the subtle mumble of a lecturer’s voice behind it. “Bad news, but the professor extended the class for another two hours, and I won’t be able to reach the party on time…”
“Oh…” Sehun tried hard to not sound disappointed, but he could feel the smile slipping off of his face, his signature frown already replacing it. “It’s okay, that’s not your fault…” He didn’t know what else to say, he really didn’t. On one hand, he didn’t want to disappoint Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, who had helped him prepare; but then again, he only wanted to go for Lu Han.
“I’m so sorry,” apologizes Lu Han. “I promise I’ll head on over to Jongin’s straight after though, to meet you there?”
“I-- Yeah, sure.” Sehun tries to reply optimistically, at least he’ll still get to see Lu Han. Even if it was a little later than expected.
“Say hi to the guys for me, bye!” Sehun manages a laugh when he hears the professor barking at Lu Han to ‘put away that darned piece of technology!’ before the line goes dead.
“Lu Han says hi,” Sehun tells the other two, pocketing his phone into the back pocket of Chanyeol’s black leather pants. Too tight, he thinks, as he tries to stay still.
“What happened? You sounded a little let down…” Kyungsoo says carefully.
“He’s just going to be a little late,” Sehun explains, dismissing their worry with a wave of his hands. “He’s not going to ditch me, so stop thinking that.”
“Well, either way, we’ll be there!” Kyungsoo pulls Sehun’s head down into a headlock, ruffling his hair.
“Wait! Stop!” Chanyeol screeches. He whips out a can of hair spray, pointing it towards Sehun. “That hairstyle looks so good, all disheveled and yummy, definitely need that for this party,” he mumbles to himself, grinning maniacally.
“This is why I don’t go to parties, you make them seem so... hectic.”
“That they are,” agrees Chanyeol. “But you’ll definitely have fun, let loose!”
And later that night, when they arrive to Jongin’s house where the grass is literally shaking from the loud volume of music, Sehun could agree. Definitely hectic.
But one thing he can appreciate, is how the numbers in his head seem to have dulled further, not as much as when he’s with Lu Han, but certainly better than before. It was as if his brain had learnt how to let go, to focus on other things besides numbers. Like music, and the deep thrumming of the bass which has him nodding his head, his body swaying from side to side. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he finds himself lost amongst the crowd, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo heading in opposite directions.
He spends what feels like the first hour (it could have been shorter, but boy did he feel exhausted) dancing amongst strangers. He never grabbed onto anyone to get himself a partner, nor did he let wandering hands get too comfortable on his body. He was waiting for Lu Han, and the numbers were starting to come back as the night grew later. By the second hour of holding on, the numbers in his head had reached the same loudness as the surround system, doubling the pounding in head.
Luckily, just before it became unbearable, Sehun notices Lu Han’s head of hair near the door, and he made a beeline for it. The numbers running through his head dulled again, until it was non-existent.
“Lu Han!” he calls out, lifting up a hand to wave at the older. But instead of coming closer, Lu Han smirks, crooking a finger towards Sehun, leaving through the open door. Sehun quickens his footsteps, barely noticing Chanyeol calling after him in confusion before he exits the stuffy house full of people. He breathes in the cool night air, smiling when he spots Lu Han a bit further away, leaning against a tree.
“You look good.” Lu Han speaks before Sehun can, and the younger can feel his confidence swelling at the compliment.
“Thanks…” he mumbles, sort of embarrassed too. “It’s all Chanyeol’s stuff though, apparently my things weren’t cool enough.”
“You’re plenty cool, Oh Sehun, don’t worry about it,” assures Lu Han with a cheesy wink. “Had fun?”
“Kinda…” Sehun hesitates, wondering if he should say the next thing on his mind. “I was hoping that you’d be there too.”
“I’m here now,” smiles Lu Han, and the comfort in his words made up for the time that he was without the older. “Want to dance out here?”
“Here?” Sehun’s confused, but takes the hand that Lu Han offers him nonetheless. “There’s no music…?”
“Oh c’mon, you can hear it from out here,” that’s true, “and besides, it looked so stuffy in there.”
Lu Han places Sehun’s hand on his waist, resting his own on top of Sehun’s shoulders. They sway side to side slowly, and Sehun’s heart almost bursts when he feels Lu Han curling into his chest, hot breath fanning his chest and his hair tickling the underside of his chin.
“This is nice,” mutters Lu Han. “I really am sorry for not coming earlier, and to be honest… I’m exhausted right now…” Sehun can feel Lu Han relaxing further, almost as if he was about to sleep on Sehun’s chest.
“Do you want to go back to the room?” Sehun asks, pulling Lu Han in tighter. “I think I’ve had enough partying for tonight anyways.” He can feel Lu Han’s small chuckle vibrating against him.
“Alright, but you should probably tell your friends that you’re leaving. They’ll be worried if you suddenly disappear.” Lu Han pulls back, rubbing at his eyes.
“I’ll just text them, it would take too long to find them in that crowd.” And Sehun does just that, taking Lu Han under his arms as they make their way back, ignoring the calls of his name behind him, and the buzz in his pockets.
Sehun! You’re going home already? But you didn’t even introduce Lu Han to us yet…. Plus, I saw you leaving alone? What’s up with that? Answer!
The next morning, Sehun wakes up to the sound of pounding on the door, and he rolls off the bed with a groan. Must be Lu Han, maybe he forgot something, he thinks, noting that he’s alone.
But when he opens the door, Chanyeol barrels in, Kyungsoo trying to pull him back and failing.
“Yeol! Calm down!”
“So we didn’t meet Lu Han yesterday.” Chanyeol gets straight to the point, and Sehun has to resist the urge to roll his eyes.
“Like I said in the text, he was tired from his full day of replacement classes. We left pretty much as soon as he arrived.”
“I kept my eyes on you the whole time, there was no way I would have missed him.”
“Oh really? The guy who went straight to the booze without looking back?” Sehun scoffs, enjoying the angry red rising on Chanyeol’s face.
“But I saw you leave the house, and you were standing alone outside!” insists Chanyeol.
“What? No way. Lu han was with me, we were talking and stuff.”
“No, I saw you, and you were just hanging out alone.”
“Chanyeol, when are you going to drop this?” Sehun was growing sick of it. “Lu Han is real, not some delusion that I conjured up on my own!”
During the whole confrontation, Kyungsoo had remained silent. But seeing the rising tension between the other two, he speaks up, placing a restricting hand on both of their arms.
“Guys, stop it.” He breathes in, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Chanyeol, you can’t just call other people’s friends ‘not real’ because you haven’t met them, I’m sure Sehun’s met like zero of your friends outside this group.”
“But I saw him standing alone--”
“It was dark, you were drunk. Don’t even deny it.” Kyungsoo’s tone was final, and Chanyeol sighed in defeat.
“This isn’t over.”
“Yes, it is.” Sehun yawns, going back to bed. “I, nor Lu Han, don’t have to prove anything. Besides, he’s graduating in a few weeks, it won’t matter whether or not you believe he’s real.”
“Sehun…”
“I’m sleepy, that party was tiring.” He turns to face the other way, relaxing only when he hears the door clicking shut, silence enveloping him once more. He can hear Kyungsoo scolding Chanyeol, hah! He deserved that, getting quieter and quieter as they walk away, until it’s just him and the numbers in his head.
The next few weeks flew by, and before Sehun knew it, Lu Han’s graduation day had arrived. He had barely seen his roommate in that time, Lu Han preoccupied with finals and handing in stacks of essays and portfolios. But Lu Han still bought him food, still called once in a while to let him know that he was alive.
“I’ll see you at the graduation ceremony later?” Lu Han’s voice sounds a bit distant through the phone, but chipper as always, which Sehun assumes is the work of the horrible signal at the campus.
“Sure! Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” promises Sehun, smiling to himself as he walks to his first class of the day. “I have my individual assignment to work on today, but I’ll be sure to get out of my discussion with the professor on time.”
“See you later then,” Lu Han replies, before Sehun hears the line go dead.
“See you,” he says to himself, chuckling happily.
The whole day, he works on his project under the guidance of his lecturer. He had only recently decided what to work on, when most of his classmates had decided by the first semester. But it didn’t matter too much, considering how it would be carried on throughout his time at King’s, until he graduated. It was actually thanks to Lu Han that he finally decided on his subject choice.
One night, he had a jumble of numbers in his head, and he couldn’t think straight. But Lu Han had come back, dumping his things onto the floor and jumping straight into Sehun’s arms and fell asleep immediately. Somehow, having Lu Han in his arms cleared his thoughts, and it was as if the numbers just aligned themselves, into a formula that actually made sense.
And the whole time he was working on the project, he could see Lu Han’s smiling face, hear his voice encouraging him to work on, as if Lu Han was right next to him. Which he wasn’t, but it was a nice thought.
When the clock hit four in the afternoon, Sehun looks up from his work, a small gasp leaving his lips.
“Is something the matter?” asks his professor, looking over Sehun’s work with his glasses almost falling off the bridge of his nose.
“I-- I have an appointment to go to--”
“I’m sorry, Sehun, but you have to get this report written up by today, it’s the last week of this semester. It’s due today midnight…” His professor gives him a look full of pity, and Sehun feels his heart drop. “You’ll lose credits if you don’t submit it on time.”
“Can I just send a message to someone then?” His professor nods, and Sehun couldn’t have taken his phone out faster.
I’m so sorry! I have a report due that I completely forgot about… And I can’t afford to lose credits since I’m on scholarship… I’ll meet you back in the room after you’re done? I’m so sorry….
As he sent the text, Sehun could feel the guilt eating him up, but sucked it up and continued to work. I’ll buy him some cake on the way back, as a congratulatory gift.
Hours later, when the sun had set, and the sounds of party poppers resonated throughout the campus, Sehun finally finished, handing in his report with an exhausted groan. But he ran straight to the bakery, buying the first cake he sets his eyes on and runs all the way back to the room. When he opens the door, he’s met with Lu Han’s back, slightly hunched, and Sehun’s heart clenches.
“Hey…” he mutters, closing the door behind him.
“Hi.” Sehun can’t tell if Lu Han is horribly disappointed, or if it was just his normal greeting. “Did you finish up your paper?”
“Yeah… Look, I’m really, really sorry.” Sehun apologizes once more, walking to give Lu Han a back hug. “I really wanted to go see you up there, but--”
“It’s fine,” Lu Han assures, turning his head to face Sehun, a gentle smile on his lips. He presses them against Sehun’s cheek, a chaste kiss. “I’m glad you still came here with-- is that a cake?” he asks with a laugh.
“Yeah, I felt really bad…”
“Well, let’s have some cake and celebrate me finally going out into the cruel, cruel world like Snow White walking into that dangerous forest,” Lu Han says, a joking glimmer in his eyes.
“What a weird… what’s the word for it?”
“Analogy.”
“Yeah! That’s why you’re the Literature major who graduated with first honors,” chuckles Sehun, pulling Lu Han in for another hug.
They spend the night together, just talking as they ate the cake, although Sehun felt like he had eaten a whole cake by himself. As the night grew older, the topics turned to more serious ones, like what would happen after Lu Han leaves the university.
“You’ll still keep in contact right?” asks Sehun, worry gnawing at his mind.
“Of course,” replies Lu Han. “Silly Sehun, thinking that you could get rid of me so easily,” giggles Lu Han.
When Lu Han leaves, it’s like he was never there in the first place. Sehun still thinks of him often, can hear him sometimes, even sees a mirage sitting on the blue bench beside Alan Turing’s statue under the apple tree, but he knows it’s not the real thing. Lu Han emails him often, from all over the world as he travels and writes about his adventures. Sehun’s like his journal, and it makes the younger want to see the world too, from the way that Lu Han writes about all these exotic places.
Sehun also told him about all the things he was doing at university. About how he had started up a buddy program, for freshmen to pair up across different majors. He had started with Literature and Mathematics majors, pairing them so that they could learn one or two things from each other, to appreciate the other subjects. It was highly successful, running from his second year when he founded the sort-of exchange program, right through to the current batch of freshmen, now that he’s a senior.
It’s his final year, and he’s finishing up his final report for his individual project, the one that started with Lu Han. He had called the older earlier, to invite him to his graduation ceremony next month. Lu Han had agreed, saying that it was time he came back to London for a stop on his world tour. His voice sounded distant, more so than when he was with Sehun; but again, Sehun accounted it to the distance between them. Which won’t be too much soon.
The month passes by in a blur, as time tends to do when you’re buried in work to finish up and jobs to apply for. Somehow, Sehun finds himself already sitting amongst his classmates, in their black gowns with red trimmings, as it is for their department. He tried looking for Lu Han in the crowd, he had already booked the ticket and left it in the room for him to pick up. But he can’t spot the familiar head of hair amongst the many parents with teary eyes as they watch their children graduating. He supposes that Lu Han must have changed his hair since the last time he saw the older.
As the names get nearer to the O’s, Sehun’s eyes keep flitting around the venue, hoping to at least see Lu Han once.
“Oh Sehun! Not only are we proud to present you with your graduation certificate, but we would also like to present to you the Alan Turing award, for your major contribution on the LU decomposition project in remembrance of Sir Alan Turing, as well as the bringing together of departments from across the board.” Sehun walks up to the podium, clearly surprised about his award, but happy nonetheless.
Just as the certificate is in his hands, and he shakes the Chancellor’s hand, he looks up to see the person that he’s wanted to see the most over the past few years. Lu Han, under the apple tree, picking a red apple from a low branch and taking a seat beside the Alan Turing statue, sitting in the exact same pose. Lu Han who looks like he hasn’t aged a day, who’s wearing what he wore the first time that Sehun met him. Lu Han faces him, smiling before he bites into the apple, licking his lips.
Sehun barely registers the congratulations as he steps off the stage, robotically walking towards Lu Han, dropping the flowers in his hands (he doesn’t remember who gave it to him).
“Hey.” It seemed too short of a greeting but Sehun was speechless despite all of the things that he wanted to tell Lu Han. A huge thank you being at the top of the list.
“Congratulations on graduating, Sehun.” For some reason, Lu Han’s voice sounded just as distant as it did when they spoke over the phone. He’s about to comment on it, but then he notices the numbers across Lu Han’s irises, and they don’t disappear this time. In fact, they look oddly familiar.
And then it clicks. His gaze flickers to the statue beside Lu Han.
“Chanyeol was right.” He sighs, taking the seat beside Lu Han.
“Was he?” Lu Han takes another bite of the apple, the crunch so loud to Sehun.
“You’re not… You’re not real.”
“Am I not? You can feel me, can’t you?” Lu Han takes Sehun’s hand, resting it on lap.
“I don’t know…” And Sehun really didn’t know what to think. But he knew history, at least the history of the mathematician at the core of his individual project.
He thinks of the great man who did his best for his country, bringing forwards knowledge of computers and systems. Of the man who fell in love with a much younger and unemployed man. The man who was shunned by the country for so-called indecent behaviour because of aforementioned sexual acts with his lover, and subjected to hormonal treatments that changed forever. The son who ate an apple laced with cyanide just before sleeping, inspired by his favourite fairy tale, Snow White. He never found his happily ever after though.
“Thank you for being here for me, Lu Han. Even if you’re not real…” Sehun sighs, his mind a mess.
“I’m as real as you want me to be.” Lu Han’s voice gets quieter and quieter until Sehun can hear nothing but the chatter of excited graduates.
“Sehun!” He looks up to see Kyungsoo and Chanyeol in their robes too, although Chanyeol had pink trimmings representing his Dentistry department, Kyungsoo’s an emerald green. “What are you doing here alone?”
“I just needed time to process,” he shrugs, getting up to loop his arms around both of their shoulders. “Time to celebrate and party!”
thanks to belle, for beta'ing the final piece last minute and her wonderful help with boosting my morale. and to erinne, for her help at the beginning, when i needed someone to plot with me even though our timezones are so far apart. and thank you to the people that commented on my selubration post, for giving all your comments that made my heart soar, and my mind at ease. thank you.
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Date: 2015-01-18 04:14 am (UTC)http://huntingcoloradostyle.com/content/lithobid-order-online-buy-cheap-lithobid-no-prior-prescription